Writing for the Women’s Spirituality Newsletter is an interesting quarterly time of reflection – I can recommend it for any of you out there half tempted!
This time last year I wrote about heart sensing, of heart palpitations and questioning how to live heart-fully. In 2005 I was speculating on how to combine Christmas and Summer solstice and stay sane, let alone spiritual, and in 2004 I was engaging with dance, tears and the sacred.
“I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, Sir, because I'm not myself you see. ” – Alice
November 2007 sees and feels me grappling with disappointment, transition and in the words of Alice (in Wonderland) – yes “it would be so nice if something made sense for a change. ”
I am quoting Alice in Wonderland as right now I feel somewhat like I imagined she felt. Which rabbit hole am I down? Did I eat too much of the cookie or not enough of the mushroom? Disappointment has popped back into my life like the Cheshire Cat and rendered me almost inarticulate for this article as I seem to equate writing for a spiritual newsletter to mean only writing in the positive!
David Richo talks of the full career of disappointment - realising it, grieving it, and then growing because of it. When I’ve written about transition before, I’ve talked about marking what is ending, going through the neutral phase before popping out into the beginning again – the land of opportunity. This time it doesn’t sit so comfortably.
On the face of it, I’ve had a successful year – my work income is up, I’ve had good client feedback,
my son has had a great first year at University, my daughter a most interesting year in Australia, I have made several quilts – including my gorgeous “Emerald & Scarlet” for my 50th and so on. I could write an in-depth gratitude list. Yet here I am, pondering on, and grappling with, disappointment.
From my perspective, disappointment and expectation are close buddies. It seems I had expectations of being 50. Some of the things I thought would be sorted out are not, or not in the way I expected! I wanted space and time to breathe this year but not at the cost of the recent and unexpected loss of work and income. I expected that my husband would have his business in a viable state, but it is not.
Rather than whine on, I’ll cut to Alice again – “However I thought I was further on than the beginning or am I merely at the beginning of the next part of my life?
Oh yes, she who works with transition is absolutely in one of her own – lots of things ending, with all the feelings, questions and speculations that go with endings and being in transition and none of the certainty that goes with being ‘in’ the next part.
Germaine Greer recently talked in a radio interview of the “irritable search for certainty” and I laughed and laughed – this is certainly my personal experience. And unlike the irritable Queen of Hearts – “Now, I give you fair warning, either you or your head must be off, and that in about half no time! Take your choice!" – I can’t chop heads off, nor do I intend to depart from life or marriage.
Well, when one's lost, I suppose it's good advice to stay where you are until someone finds you. But who'd ever think to look for me here? - Alice
Such a good question – who indeed? If I am to find myself how might I proceed from here? The Doorknob would have me “Read the directions and directly you will be directed in the right direction”.
It would appear that the Universe – bless her – has provided that direction by saying:
“Thou shalt pause and regroup; fresh opportunities need your time and attention”.
Reading the directions occurs for me through meditation, and leaning into those people and practices that sustain me – whether it’s dancing in my pyjamas to the “Doors” in the morning, swimming in the sea or walking in the beautiful Titirangi bush.
Recognising that I am in transition – and getting clear about what I am grieving for and what I am relieved about - is immensely helpful.
As to where from here, a final word from Alice - “I wonder if I've been changed in the night? Let me think. Was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I'm not the same, the next question is 'Who in the world am I?' Ah, that's the great puzzle!”
Arohanui, Kerry-Ann-in-transition
All Alice in Wonderland Quotes from: http://quotations. about. com/od/moretypes/a/alice1. htm
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Monday, July 23, 2007
The laundry shrine
I was talking with a friend the other day about cat urine and dog faeces. The cats were urinating in her house and leaving an unmistakable odour that was very hard to live with. The dog faeces smell was happening more often as she went to eat her food or when she was in different places – everything smelled like ‘shit’.
Yes, my friend has a number of very real pressures in her living and had been talking about her life ‘turning to shit’, now it was starting to smell and taste like ‘shit’ - a very high price to pay for life in the hard lane.
I phoned to say that I had a ‘thought’ I wished to share with her over a cup of tea. When we met we started to tease out how come it had to feel so hard all the time and what might just shift her thinking – not the constraint of her situation – just enough to make life a little less shitty.
To that end I had found and bought a range of symbols that might represent the introduction of some ‘sweetness’ into her living if they made sufficient sense to her. I had assembled in a bag a cake of aromatherapy soap, a glass ornamental wrapped sweet, a handful of lollipops and some candles to choose from.
Out of our conversation it transpired that she too had been asking some similar questions and was amused and delighted to play the game of choosing the right symbolic treasures for her. We did some of this with her eyes closed as the candle and soap had to smell ‘just right’.
And then the inspiration came – just the day before a brand new super huge much needed washing machine had been delivered to her household. The chosen items were to be spirited home and installed in the laundry as a personal shrine complete with a ‘sweetness’ painting. A cleansing of soul and sanity and hopefully odour and taste!
The urine – well on National Radio that weekend a solution was broadcast – white vinegar. It works like a charm apparently as long as you can survive the smell of urine AND vinegar for 3-4 days.
I offer the laundry shrine story in the knowledge and experience that in the face of seemingly insurmountable pressure the use of symbols energetically creates a different pathway for us to follow. It acts as a declaration to the universe that we are ready for help and open to some ease.
Arohanui
Kerry-Ann
Yes, my friend has a number of very real pressures in her living and had been talking about her life ‘turning to shit’, now it was starting to smell and taste like ‘shit’ - a very high price to pay for life in the hard lane.
I phoned to say that I had a ‘thought’ I wished to share with her over a cup of tea. When we met we started to tease out how come it had to feel so hard all the time and what might just shift her thinking – not the constraint of her situation – just enough to make life a little less shitty.
To that end I had found and bought a range of symbols that might represent the introduction of some ‘sweetness’ into her living if they made sufficient sense to her. I had assembled in a bag a cake of aromatherapy soap, a glass ornamental wrapped sweet, a handful of lollipops and some candles to choose from.
Out of our conversation it transpired that she too had been asking some similar questions and was amused and delighted to play the game of choosing the right symbolic treasures for her. We did some of this with her eyes closed as the candle and soap had to smell ‘just right’.
And then the inspiration came – just the day before a brand new super huge much needed washing machine had been delivered to her household. The chosen items were to be spirited home and installed in the laundry as a personal shrine complete with a ‘sweetness’ painting. A cleansing of soul and sanity and hopefully odour and taste!
The urine – well on National Radio that weekend a solution was broadcast – white vinegar. It works like a charm apparently as long as you can survive the smell of urine AND vinegar for 3-4 days.
I offer the laundry shrine story in the knowledge and experience that in the face of seemingly insurmountable pressure the use of symbols energetically creates a different pathway for us to follow. It acts as a declaration to the universe that we are ready for help and open to some ease.
Arohanui
Kerry-Ann
Sunday, May 27, 2007
On reaching fifty, the completion of five decades – the beginning of my sixth decade
I have been writing about turning fifty for awhile and now finally made it. The relief is profound – having agonised and speculated about this ‘being fifty’ I’m here and enjoying it.
Part of my strategy was to allow time to reflect on the 7 x 7 or 49 years prior and to look at ‘where to from here’. Who did I want to go forward as? Or how did I want to show up to myself and the people around me?
My late thirties had seen me declare that I couldn’t and wouldn’t live into my forties in the same way. I made relationship and health changes at that time that continue to make a difference today.
This time it feels more like integration rather than making yet more changes. The Hebraic tradition talks about a time of Jubilee at around fifty. This is a time where one gathers together all that has gone before and all that one is, and sounding the trumpets in celebration, dons the mantle of Jubilee and steps out into the next part of ones living. This is a time of acknowledgement and recognition and a point of choice as to how we live.
Right up to the night before my birthday I was ‘processing’ and preparing (please note regular life was still happening along) and building up a fair head of steam around unresolved resentments.
* See my article “I love my resentment”.
Thanks to a good friend who copped a real earful I reached clarity about the three key resentments. One I could nothing about other than name it, know it wasn’t fair and knowing I’d rather be me than that person - let it go! The other two required conversations with my husband and my son. To all our credit, they got ‘it’ and made good on what was their part in my resentment – finally. These were both long term situations and well past my ‘being reasonable’ ability.
So … as I went to sleep that night I felt so relaxed and resentment free, it was gorgeous and I woke up on my birthday feeling horny for life!
As well as a number of birthday coffees and lunches I had three main celebrations. A family and friends dinner at home with great food and much laughter, a “Ladies in Red” evening hosted by celebrant colleagues with even more laughter, great food and gifted treasure, words of acknowledgment and readings, and finally a women only ceremony led by a celebrant colleague Barbara James-Bartle. This ceremony I would like to share with you in more detail.
Entitled “In the loving of my fifty”, the idea was to embrace being fifty and be supported by women in my life to transition into the fullness of a sixth decade. The concept was taken from Meg Campbell’s poem
AFTER LOVING
“While we lie hidden in ourselves
a moment longer, two colours
light up a world within.
At first Chinese red
because we are happy,
and then emerald
the god-green of peace
that follows when you follow me
while my hands
wing their separate flights
along your gullies.”
– Meg Campbell
I feel deeply moved by this poem in relation to the fullness of who I am and the fullness of life I get to lead, “Chinese red of happiness and the god-green peace of emerald.”
I also wanted to create a fabric art piece or quilt to mark this time. Each of the women was invited to gift me fabric – emerald and/or scarlet, toward this piece, a work from an inspiration by Kaffe Fassett, a fabulous scrap quilt that I can incorporate all the pieces gifted to me.
I was secluded in a private room, preparing, as each of the women arrived – recognisable by their laugh, quiet words or raucous arrival!
Invited into the ceremonial space I was greeted by thirteen beautiful friends, from different aspects of my life. Stepping into the fifty area, marked by a 50 created from flowers and leaves, I walked and spoke briefly to the five decades that had preceded, bringing myself to the present time. Invited to sit I was covered to mark the ‘invisibility’ that can occur as we age in our society. As music played I felt the shift and as the women moved to encircle me closer I felt deeply held in the transition. Revealed once again and emerging to the light of a circle of candles, I sat as I was blessed by each woman, each in their own way. Finally I had the opportunity of speaking and for me truly “the best mirror for a woman is a good friend”.
Dinner was then shared with the love and hilarity that only women can do, in my opinion. My outstanding memory is of how peaceful I felt, so peaceful.
I have shared some of this in detail because for me all of it was important. For others of you it might be quite inconsequential to turn fifty or to have resolution in some of the ways that were important to me. I’m glad to have marked turning fifty. I am grateful for the family and friends who celebrated with me and for me.
And how am I going forward - peacefully and feeling well loved!
Part of my strategy was to allow time to reflect on the 7 x 7 or 49 years prior and to look at ‘where to from here’. Who did I want to go forward as? Or how did I want to show up to myself and the people around me?
My late thirties had seen me declare that I couldn’t and wouldn’t live into my forties in the same way. I made relationship and health changes at that time that continue to make a difference today.
This time it feels more like integration rather than making yet more changes. The Hebraic tradition talks about a time of Jubilee at around fifty. This is a time where one gathers together all that has gone before and all that one is, and sounding the trumpets in celebration, dons the mantle of Jubilee and steps out into the next part of ones living. This is a time of acknowledgement and recognition and a point of choice as to how we live.
Right up to the night before my birthday I was ‘processing’ and preparing (please note regular life was still happening along) and building up a fair head of steam around unresolved resentments.
* See my article “I love my resentment”.
Thanks to a good friend who copped a real earful I reached clarity about the three key resentments. One I could nothing about other than name it, know it wasn’t fair and knowing I’d rather be me than that person - let it go! The other two required conversations with my husband and my son. To all our credit, they got ‘it’ and made good on what was their part in my resentment – finally. These were both long term situations and well past my ‘being reasonable’ ability.
So … as I went to sleep that night I felt so relaxed and resentment free, it was gorgeous and I woke up on my birthday feeling horny for life!
As well as a number of birthday coffees and lunches I had three main celebrations. A family and friends dinner at home with great food and much laughter, a “Ladies in Red” evening hosted by celebrant colleagues with even more laughter, great food and gifted treasure, words of acknowledgment and readings, and finally a women only ceremony led by a celebrant colleague Barbara James-Bartle. This ceremony I would like to share with you in more detail.
Entitled “In the loving of my fifty”, the idea was to embrace being fifty and be supported by women in my life to transition into the fullness of a sixth decade. The concept was taken from Meg Campbell’s poem
AFTER LOVING
“While we lie hidden in ourselves
a moment longer, two colours
light up a world within.
At first Chinese red
because we are happy,
and then emerald
the god-green of peace
that follows when you follow me
while my hands
wing their separate flights
along your gullies.”
– Meg Campbell
I feel deeply moved by this poem in relation to the fullness of who I am and the fullness of life I get to lead, “Chinese red of happiness and the god-green peace of emerald.”
I also wanted to create a fabric art piece or quilt to mark this time. Each of the women was invited to gift me fabric – emerald and/or scarlet, toward this piece, a work from an inspiration by Kaffe Fassett, a fabulous scrap quilt that I can incorporate all the pieces gifted to me.
I was secluded in a private room, preparing, as each of the women arrived – recognisable by their laugh, quiet words or raucous arrival!
Invited into the ceremonial space I was greeted by thirteen beautiful friends, from different aspects of my life. Stepping into the fifty area, marked by a 50 created from flowers and leaves, I walked and spoke briefly to the five decades that had preceded, bringing myself to the present time. Invited to sit I was covered to mark the ‘invisibility’ that can occur as we age in our society. As music played I felt the shift and as the women moved to encircle me closer I felt deeply held in the transition. Revealed once again and emerging to the light of a circle of candles, I sat as I was blessed by each woman, each in their own way. Finally I had the opportunity of speaking and for me truly “the best mirror for a woman is a good friend”.
Dinner was then shared with the love and hilarity that only women can do, in my opinion. My outstanding memory is of how peaceful I felt, so peaceful.
I have shared some of this in detail because for me all of it was important. For others of you it might be quite inconsequential to turn fifty or to have resolution in some of the ways that were important to me. I’m glad to have marked turning fifty. I am grateful for the family and friends who celebrated with me and for me.
And how am I going forward - peacefully and feeling well loved!
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Heart Sensing
Each time I sit down to write one of these articles I trust to the intuition of writing on what is present for me or pre-occupying me right now. A major presence for me recently has been heart palpitations and a sense of tiredness around living.
At a practical level I have been checked by my Doctor, I have moved to herbal support for early menopause and I continue to benefit from regular acupuncture.
At the level of my spirit I have wondered what my body is attempting to guide me to.
One thought suggested to me is that although I may have limited ordinary mental time I do have unlimited spiritual time - that this is an essential difference to be aware of when seeking freedom from the struggle & stress that generates my feeling of tiredness. I am not sure that I fully understand this! I do struggle with the ‘fullness’ of my living and seem to need wake up calls about what really matters for me.
Are my heart palpitations a reflection of being out of balance? Are they requests to live ‘taking heart’ and ‘heart fully’?
How do I do this in the face of what I see as non-negotiable requirements – to support my family, pay my way, and make a contribution? To meet those demands do I need to do work that does not fully engage me? Must I choose between ‘doing’ and my desire to ‘just be’?
Or is it more an issue, once again, of how I think about and live into my life? My sense is that ‘Yes, in part this is true’. So I am endeavouring to heart-sense my way into daily living with ordinary time and spiritual time. Is my heart in this? How do I stay heart-centered and honour my commitments from this place?
What is showing up is the need to pace myself differently, not necessarily do less, but to live and work with the rhythms of my being. What is showing up is the need to ask for and receive help. What is showing up, yet again, is the need to listen to and respond to my own heart and to the divine within me.
My two business cards (developed a number of years ago) have the same heart logo and two different yet connected ‘by-lines’. My coaching one is ‘wholehearted living’ and my celebrant one is ‘celebrating life’. I must have known something about myself and my need to be reminded of joy and grounded in intentional heart-focused living.
In one of The Prayer Tree poems about broken, cracked or cut hearts, Michael Leunig writes
‘Let a bird lean in the hole and sing
A simple song like a tiny bell
And let it ring.’
I am playing with this gently – a ding-a-ling to support joyfulness.
Arohanui
Kerry-Ann
References
‘The Prayer Tree’, Michael Leunig, HarperCollins 1990. Poem begins ‘ ‘When the heart …”
At a practical level I have been checked by my Doctor, I have moved to herbal support for early menopause and I continue to benefit from regular acupuncture.
At the level of my spirit I have wondered what my body is attempting to guide me to.
One thought suggested to me is that although I may have limited ordinary mental time I do have unlimited spiritual time - that this is an essential difference to be aware of when seeking freedom from the struggle & stress that generates my feeling of tiredness. I am not sure that I fully understand this! I do struggle with the ‘fullness’ of my living and seem to need wake up calls about what really matters for me.
Are my heart palpitations a reflection of being out of balance? Are they requests to live ‘taking heart’ and ‘heart fully’?
How do I do this in the face of what I see as non-negotiable requirements – to support my family, pay my way, and make a contribution? To meet those demands do I need to do work that does not fully engage me? Must I choose between ‘doing’ and my desire to ‘just be’?
Or is it more an issue, once again, of how I think about and live into my life? My sense is that ‘Yes, in part this is true’. So I am endeavouring to heart-sense my way into daily living with ordinary time and spiritual time. Is my heart in this? How do I stay heart-centered and honour my commitments from this place?
What is showing up is the need to pace myself differently, not necessarily do less, but to live and work with the rhythms of my being. What is showing up is the need to ask for and receive help. What is showing up, yet again, is the need to listen to and respond to my own heart and to the divine within me.
My two business cards (developed a number of years ago) have the same heart logo and two different yet connected ‘by-lines’. My coaching one is ‘wholehearted living’ and my celebrant one is ‘celebrating life’. I must have known something about myself and my need to be reminded of joy and grounded in intentional heart-focused living.
In one of The Prayer Tree poems about broken, cracked or cut hearts, Michael Leunig writes
‘Let a bird lean in the hole and sing
A simple song like a tiny bell
And let it ring.’
I am playing with this gently – a ding-a-ling to support joyfulness.
Arohanui
Kerry-Ann
References
‘The Prayer Tree’, Michael Leunig, HarperCollins 1990. Poem begins ‘ ‘When the heart …”
Monday, February 26, 2007
I love my resentment
I consider myself a spiritual woman. I consider myself an emotional woman. Over the years I have experienced endless angst as I struggled with encouragements like – “just let life be a deep let go” or “90% attitude 10% reality”.
I felt angry or at best ‘yeh right’! All well and good on the days when this was achieved with grace and ease but what about the other ‘many more’ days? And who said that to be spiritual one should be nice all the time? I don’t know but it is certainly a directive that I have attempted to meet. Well it didn’t work for me!
What has worked, is working for me is a compassionate acceptance of where my emotions fit in my living – how I can observe, understand and work with my emotional being to actively and congruently achieve grace in my life.
If I was to say one thing to all the people I work with and especially the women it would be “love your resentment”. It is the most fabulous indicator of what is going on for you and gives very accurate clues as to what you might need to request, offer or decline in your life.
What do I mean by the mood of resentment? I mean that agitated, irritable, snarly sort of hidden energy that gets in the way of feeling comfortable, usually causing me to lose mindfulness in the rest of my living. For the purpose of this article emotions are those moment by moment emotional experiences we all have and that are constantly changing. Moods, by contrast, are the prevalent emotional state we may find our selves caught up in and living.
Resentment is a mood where I assess that the world is unfair to me, I declare I don’t like the way my life has unfolded and I declare my intention to get even. Problem is we rarely ‘get even’ with the right person or situation. As my son said to me one day when about 10 years old, after I had thrown a verbal maternal tantrum at him, “you know Mum it’s not my fault you’re so angry”! So true!
Resentment is when we find ourselves thumping pots on the element because we are ‘resentful’ about being the cook, or in the work place being the only one ‘who cares around here’.
I have a number of options at the point I recognise what is happening for me. I can move to a mood of acceptance where I assess that some possibilities have been closed for me right now, e.g. I am the only cook for now, and I can declare my gratitude to life regardless of that and think of ways to have being the cook work for me, e.g. more simple meals, take-way meals sometimes etc. Or in the workplace, rather than beating others up for their lack of ‘care’ I can acknowledge myself for the opportunity to do ‘care’ my way and therefore be in integrity with myself at least.
Alternatively by recognising I am in full flight resentment I can move to a mood of ambition or resolution. This is where I assess that there are possibilities in life, I declare that I have chosen to realise some of them and I declare that I will take action right now. So sticking with the domestic environment, rather than snarling at my son and husband for their lack of contribution I have sat down and talked with them. Out of this discussion and my requests we now have different systems in place where we share the domestic chores. And yes, I do have to accept some variance of standards etc. However the net result is a wife and mother who is more easy and more fun to be with. I am more at ease within myself and much more available for gratitude in my daily life.
One of my promises to myself is to, where possible; only agree to do things that I can do ’gracefully’, i.e. without resentment. This for me is the ‘fit’ with my spiritual being and my emotional being.
So – love my resentment yes I do! Do I stay in resentment any longer than I can manage – no I don’t! With this comes a confidence where I can assess that there are possibilities for me in life, that I can act on them most of the time and that if I find myself unable to act I can learn – I don’t have to be stuck in resentment.
Arohanui
Kerry-Ann
I felt angry or at best ‘yeh right’! All well and good on the days when this was achieved with grace and ease but what about the other ‘many more’ days? And who said that to be spiritual one should be nice all the time? I don’t know but it is certainly a directive that I have attempted to meet. Well it didn’t work for me!
What has worked, is working for me is a compassionate acceptance of where my emotions fit in my living – how I can observe, understand and work with my emotional being to actively and congruently achieve grace in my life.
If I was to say one thing to all the people I work with and especially the women it would be “love your resentment”. It is the most fabulous indicator of what is going on for you and gives very accurate clues as to what you might need to request, offer or decline in your life.
What do I mean by the mood of resentment? I mean that agitated, irritable, snarly sort of hidden energy that gets in the way of feeling comfortable, usually causing me to lose mindfulness in the rest of my living. For the purpose of this article emotions are those moment by moment emotional experiences we all have and that are constantly changing. Moods, by contrast, are the prevalent emotional state we may find our selves caught up in and living.
Resentment is a mood where I assess that the world is unfair to me, I declare I don’t like the way my life has unfolded and I declare my intention to get even. Problem is we rarely ‘get even’ with the right person or situation. As my son said to me one day when about 10 years old, after I had thrown a verbal maternal tantrum at him, “you know Mum it’s not my fault you’re so angry”! So true!
Resentment is when we find ourselves thumping pots on the element because we are ‘resentful’ about being the cook, or in the work place being the only one ‘who cares around here’.
I have a number of options at the point I recognise what is happening for me. I can move to a mood of acceptance where I assess that some possibilities have been closed for me right now, e.g. I am the only cook for now, and I can declare my gratitude to life regardless of that and think of ways to have being the cook work for me, e.g. more simple meals, take-way meals sometimes etc. Or in the workplace, rather than beating others up for their lack of ‘care’ I can acknowledge myself for the opportunity to do ‘care’ my way and therefore be in integrity with myself at least.
Alternatively by recognising I am in full flight resentment I can move to a mood of ambition or resolution. This is where I assess that there are possibilities in life, I declare that I have chosen to realise some of them and I declare that I will take action right now. So sticking with the domestic environment, rather than snarling at my son and husband for their lack of contribution I have sat down and talked with them. Out of this discussion and my requests we now have different systems in place where we share the domestic chores. And yes, I do have to accept some variance of standards etc. However the net result is a wife and mother who is more easy and more fun to be with. I am more at ease within myself and much more available for gratitude in my daily life.
One of my promises to myself is to, where possible; only agree to do things that I can do ’gracefully’, i.e. without resentment. This for me is the ‘fit’ with my spiritual being and my emotional being.
So – love my resentment yes I do! Do I stay in resentment any longer than I can manage – no I don’t! With this comes a confidence where I can assess that there are possibilities for me in life, that I can act on them most of the time and that if I find myself unable to act I can learn – I don’t have to be stuck in resentment.
Arohanui
Kerry-Ann
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