Well as mentioned last time I’m moved – talk about a literal transition from one age (pre 49) to the next stage (post 49). We moved the day after my birthday and the last month has been tempestuous – weather, humour and day to day!
I have always liked the notion that spirituality involves honouring the extraordinary of the ordinary and the ordinariness of the extraordinary. It helps to make sense of wherever and however I find myself – which is a bit all over the place currently as I physically and emotionally come home to my new physical home and the being I am and desire to be.
I can’t say I have triumphantly sounded the trumpets of jubilee time yet - however I just love my new home. Disarray and all it just feels right, both in terms of the feel of the house and the feel of the land. Someone recently described nature to me as the ‘sacred naked’. What a privilege for me to be more deeply connected with the land. I already have a different sense of coming home to a community where I fit better and make more sense to the people around me. Simple things like neighbours who talk with us, friends I can now meet just walking distance away, events I am drawn to AND a home I feel like spending more time in. As I practise meditation and explore my living further I am seeking to come more clearly home to myself.
Virginia Woolf is quoted as saying that all women need “peace, acceptance, personal income and a room of their own.” I endeavour to live my life based on this – and have created as a basic purchase condition a beautiful room of my own for meditation, creating and just sitting – a by invitation only space. I am grateful to have sufficient personal income and experience peace and acceptance as a life long journey!
May Matariki provide for you a deepening sense of connection with self, others and the land – a sense of being ‘at home’ whatever that is for you.
Arohanui
Kerry-Ann
Saturday, May 27, 2006
Monday, May 15, 2006
Musing on love
When I compose these articles I tend to write from whatever my current preoccupation is. This time I am musing on love, realising that this is an unrealistically ambitious topic for a short piece. Accordingly it is a collection of threads that are part of my living – marriages, children and my spiritual journeying through reflections on Rumi.
January to early April sees me in the thick of the wedding season, meeting couples and writing ceremonies of marriage with and for them. Love and marriage are expected to go together, so love gets to be a big part of what we talk about and what I am challenged to write about in a way that makes sense to all the different couples!
Some want it simple, nothing too frilly or romantic - “We only know what we have always known, that without love we live alone.” (Denis Glover)
Some find a poem or reading that expresses the essence of what they mean to each other, so for example, “Love is friendship that has caught fire …” (unknown) or “because to the depths of me, I long to love one person, with all my heart, my soul, my mind, my body...” (Mari Nichols)
Many welcome it as an opportunity to acknowledge each other in ways we often don’t make the time or place to do.
“ … I love you for putting your hand into my heaped up heart and passing over all the foolish, weak things that you can’t help dimly seeing there, ad for drawing out into the light all the beautiful belongings that no one else had looked quite far enough to find…” (Roy Croft)
And sometimes the marriage is a celebration of a long love and friendship. “Young love is a flame – very pretty – often very hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. The love of the older and disciplined heart is as coals, deep-burning, unquenchable.” (Henry Ward Beecher)
I am deeply privileged to participate in people’s lives at this level. Time and again I get to reflect myself on love. It helps keep me softer and more loving, both toward myself as it reminds me of the best that as humans we can aspire to and toward others as I share their journey of making sense of our being human.
Today, as I was writing this, a friend sent me one of those quick flick emails that go around every so often. It’s heading – “What does love mean?” A group of professional people had posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds. The following responses really appealed to me.
"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." Rebecca- age 8
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." Tommy - age 6
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." Jessica - age 8
The children’s responses point to an understanding of love over time, of love surviving challenges and our need to know we are loved. I am a step-grandmother, Nonni K, to two young children. My step-son has only been in our lives for the last eight years as he was adopted at birth. So almost simultaneously we have become birth father and step mother and warmly welcomed and now loved grandparents. No rules for this experience, just an intention to be loving and loved, that we grow into with each visit.
My spiritual journey encompasses mystical Sufism – in particular the writings and teachings of Rumi. I am currently reading and reflecting on a book by Kabir Edmund Helminski – “Living Presence – A Sufi way to mindfulness & the essential self.”
One of the chapters is entitled “What we love we will become”. I find that certain sentences leap out for my contemplation; “whatever the soul chooses to love, it will resemble.” And therefore what we choose to love is important.”
In talking about love for the Spirit or agape he talks of how “Spirit within us can love Spirit in everything. “…our openness, our relatedness, and our engagement are the measure of our love.”
Easier perhaps for me to do when working with couples on their marriage, definitely an energy I endeavour to bring to all my work, even when dealing with people experiencing strife or overwhelm in their work and living.
When I am asked “how are things” - I will often reply, “I am blessed to lead a full life.” Usually meaning I have been really busy! What might be more real and truthful is that “I am blessed to lead a full and loving life.”
When I remarried in 2000 we had the following blessing:
May these vows and this marriage be blessed.
May it be sweet milk, this marriage, like wine and halvah.
May this marriage offer fruit and shade like the date palm.
May this marriage be full of laughter,
Our every day a day in a paradise.
May this marriage be a sign of compassion,
A seal of happiness here and hereafter.
May this marriage have a fair face and a good name,
An omen as welcome as the moon in a clear blue sky.
I am out of words to describe how spirit mingles in this marriage - Rumi
I could replace the word marriage with the word life and I would have some way of speaking to the blessed life I lead as I am indeed, “out of words to describe how spirit mingles in this life.”
Arohanui Kerry-Ann
January to early April sees me in the thick of the wedding season, meeting couples and writing ceremonies of marriage with and for them. Love and marriage are expected to go together, so love gets to be a big part of what we talk about and what I am challenged to write about in a way that makes sense to all the different couples!
Some want it simple, nothing too frilly or romantic - “We only know what we have always known, that without love we live alone.” (Denis Glover)
Some find a poem or reading that expresses the essence of what they mean to each other, so for example, “Love is friendship that has caught fire …” (unknown) or “because to the depths of me, I long to love one person, with all my heart, my soul, my mind, my body...” (Mari Nichols)
Many welcome it as an opportunity to acknowledge each other in ways we often don’t make the time or place to do.
“ … I love you for putting your hand into my heaped up heart and passing over all the foolish, weak things that you can’t help dimly seeing there, ad for drawing out into the light all the beautiful belongings that no one else had looked quite far enough to find…” (Roy Croft)
And sometimes the marriage is a celebration of a long love and friendship. “Young love is a flame – very pretty – often very hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. The love of the older and disciplined heart is as coals, deep-burning, unquenchable.” (Henry Ward Beecher)
I am deeply privileged to participate in people’s lives at this level. Time and again I get to reflect myself on love. It helps keep me softer and more loving, both toward myself as it reminds me of the best that as humans we can aspire to and toward others as I share their journey of making sense of our being human.
Today, as I was writing this, a friend sent me one of those quick flick emails that go around every so often. It’s heading – “What does love mean?” A group of professional people had posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds. The following responses really appealed to me.
"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." Rebecca- age 8
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." Tommy - age 6
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." Jessica - age 8
The children’s responses point to an understanding of love over time, of love surviving challenges and our need to know we are loved. I am a step-grandmother, Nonni K, to two young children. My step-son has only been in our lives for the last eight years as he was adopted at birth. So almost simultaneously we have become birth father and step mother and warmly welcomed and now loved grandparents. No rules for this experience, just an intention to be loving and loved, that we grow into with each visit.
My spiritual journey encompasses mystical Sufism – in particular the writings and teachings of Rumi. I am currently reading and reflecting on a book by Kabir Edmund Helminski – “Living Presence – A Sufi way to mindfulness & the essential self.”
One of the chapters is entitled “What we love we will become”. I find that certain sentences leap out for my contemplation; “whatever the soul chooses to love, it will resemble.” And therefore what we choose to love is important.”
In talking about love for the Spirit or agape he talks of how “Spirit within us can love Spirit in everything. “…our openness, our relatedness, and our engagement are the measure of our love.”
Easier perhaps for me to do when working with couples on their marriage, definitely an energy I endeavour to bring to all my work, even when dealing with people experiencing strife or overwhelm in their work and living.
When I am asked “how are things” - I will often reply, “I am blessed to lead a full life.” Usually meaning I have been really busy! What might be more real and truthful is that “I am blessed to lead a full and loving life.”
When I remarried in 2000 we had the following blessing:
May these vows and this marriage be blessed.
May it be sweet milk, this marriage, like wine and halvah.
May this marriage offer fruit and shade like the date palm.
May this marriage be full of laughter,
Our every day a day in a paradise.
May this marriage be a sign of compassion,
A seal of happiness here and hereafter.
May this marriage have a fair face and a good name,
An omen as welcome as the moon in a clear blue sky.
I am out of words to describe how spirit mingles in this marriage - Rumi
I could replace the word marriage with the word life and I would have some way of speaking to the blessed life I lead as I am indeed, “out of words to describe how spirit mingles in this life.”
Arohanui Kerry-Ann
Friday, May 12, 2006
Inner & Outer Spring
First Light has just passed and already the light is shifting in the patterns of shadows through the trees and the stunning beauty of magnolias that bloom just as I am feeling fed up with the dark. I marked First Light very simply by myself this year – setting up an altar with ferns, a white candle, a paua inspired small bowl with a simple white rock in it and a green frog symbolizing cleansing. My reflections focused on questions posed by Juliet Batten.
¬ What needs cleansing and purifying in your life?
¬ What delicate new growth needs your support right now?
¬ What creative action are you inspired to undertake?
¬ What is emerging in you and seeking the light?
The answers that came from these questions lead me onto Spring in this article.
Last Spring I wrote on how in our full and busy lives it is often easy to just survive rather than thrive. One thriving strategy I talked about was to acknowledge the seasons, not just those of nature but also the seasons of our own lives.
This year as spring approaches I am reflecting on my inner spring and anticipating the outer spring. I am also thinking in questions rather than having to have answers or as Thich Nah Hanh has said, “don’t just do something, sit there!” Still a discipline for me I have to say.
So I return to Juliet Batten’s Inner Focus questions for Spring – the ones that appeal to me are:
¬ What new quality, attitude or activity do you want to encourage?
¬ How can you care for the earth?
¬ How can you support what is greening in you right now?
These questions and my responses address inner and outer spring. I am seeking, now I feel more physically at home, to develop my vision for community celebrancy. I am looking to sow the seeds of this with colleagues over the next year. My new home has a number of plants now regarded as noxious weeds by Waitakere City. Our plan this first spring season is to get advice on what needs to be removed and the safest ways of doing this. So this spring will be about clearing the way, getting an idea about what will be needed in our garden in the future. As to what is greening in me – well I am meditating on this and staying open. My spiritual self, my sense of the sacred and a personal connection to the divine are the tendrils of new growth that are active in me.
I have chosen to use Juliet’s Inner focus questions – you could choose your own questions. The important thing from my perspective is to take time, to regroup your self from the depths of winter and claim in your own way the ‘rights’ of spring – renewal, energy, balance and hope.
Arohanui Kerry-Ann
Batten, Juliet – “CELEBRATING the SOUTHERN SEASONS – Rituals for Aotearoa.” Random House, revised edition, 2005.
¬ What needs cleansing and purifying in your life?
¬ What delicate new growth needs your support right now?
¬ What creative action are you inspired to undertake?
¬ What is emerging in you and seeking the light?
The answers that came from these questions lead me onto Spring in this article.
Last Spring I wrote on how in our full and busy lives it is often easy to just survive rather than thrive. One thriving strategy I talked about was to acknowledge the seasons, not just those of nature but also the seasons of our own lives.
This year as spring approaches I am reflecting on my inner spring and anticipating the outer spring. I am also thinking in questions rather than having to have answers or as Thich Nah Hanh has said, “don’t just do something, sit there!” Still a discipline for me I have to say.
So I return to Juliet Batten’s Inner Focus questions for Spring – the ones that appeal to me are:
¬ What new quality, attitude or activity do you want to encourage?
¬ How can you care for the earth?
¬ How can you support what is greening in you right now?
These questions and my responses address inner and outer spring. I am seeking, now I feel more physically at home, to develop my vision for community celebrancy. I am looking to sow the seeds of this with colleagues over the next year. My new home has a number of plants now regarded as noxious weeds by Waitakere City. Our plan this first spring season is to get advice on what needs to be removed and the safest ways of doing this. So this spring will be about clearing the way, getting an idea about what will be needed in our garden in the future. As to what is greening in me – well I am meditating on this and staying open. My spiritual self, my sense of the sacred and a personal connection to the divine are the tendrils of new growth that are active in me.
I have chosen to use Juliet’s Inner focus questions – you could choose your own questions. The important thing from my perspective is to take time, to regroup your self from the depths of winter and claim in your own way the ‘rights’ of spring – renewal, energy, balance and hope.
Arohanui Kerry-Ann
Batten, Juliet – “CELEBRATING the SOUTHERN SEASONS – Rituals for Aotearoa.” Random House, revised edition, 2005.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
Autumn – ‘it’s just time’ - threads of thought
Thread One
Last year in winter and this year in summer I have been asked “why”?
My reply; “it’s just time”.
So simple really – each time there has been a list of reasons and yet it was just time. Time last year to leave my salaried work and work for myself. As autumn approaches, yes, I am reaping the benefits of that leap of faith.
This year, time to sell the home I have lived in for the longest time ever and yes, it feels the right time to us all. Now is the time to find a home that takes different care of me - a place of sacred retreat. As autumn draws near it is my wish that we will be settled in our new home ready for the winter.
Thread Two
Autumn is a time that just is – each year it is autumn – just because. The seasons parallel our outward experience of aging. Simply by living we experience the cycle of seasons in nature and we age. How we think about this though can affect our experience of the seasons of our lives.
Juliet Batten talks of the autumn equinox as a ‘transition from outer to inner, from above to below, from light into dark’.
My ‘it’s just time’ is my inner, deep intuition of time and timing, while the outer experience of this is making the decisions happen. In the case of my house using the energy and vigour of summer to clean, repair and present our home for sale!
Thread Three
As the outer world comes into autumn my inner autumn begins. I will turn 49 in April and I regard this as a time worth marking and celebrating. In Hebrew tradition they speak of the Jubilee Time – where one dons the mantle of all one’s life that has gone before (the 7 x 7 years) and sounding the trumpets triumphantly stepping into the life that is to unfold. Barbara Sher talks of the first half of our lives belonging to society and our biology – working, raising families etc. The second half of our lives is ours to craft if we would have it be so. And for me ‘it is time’ for this to be so.
Living
Working
Hanging in
Holding on
Leaving
Reaping
Blessings
Blessings of marriage
Weathered this time
Life persevered
My turn
My time
Time in spirituality
Feminine divine time
Right time
Enough time
Time it is
Blessed be
Arohanui
Kerry-Ann
Highly recommended reading:
Batten, Juliet, Celebrating the Southern Seasons – Rituals of Aotearoa, Random House Publ. Revised edition 2005
Harris, Maria, JUBILEE TIME – Celebrating Women, Spirit, and the Advent of Age, Bantam Books 1995.
Sher, Barbara, it’s only too late If You Don’t Start Now – How to Create Your Second Life at Any Age, Dell Publishing 1998
Last year in winter and this year in summer I have been asked “why”?
My reply; “it’s just time”.
So simple really – each time there has been a list of reasons and yet it was just time. Time last year to leave my salaried work and work for myself. As autumn approaches, yes, I am reaping the benefits of that leap of faith.
This year, time to sell the home I have lived in for the longest time ever and yes, it feels the right time to us all. Now is the time to find a home that takes different care of me - a place of sacred retreat. As autumn draws near it is my wish that we will be settled in our new home ready for the winter.
Thread Two
Autumn is a time that just is – each year it is autumn – just because. The seasons parallel our outward experience of aging. Simply by living we experience the cycle of seasons in nature and we age. How we think about this though can affect our experience of the seasons of our lives.
Juliet Batten talks of the autumn equinox as a ‘transition from outer to inner, from above to below, from light into dark’.
My ‘it’s just time’ is my inner, deep intuition of time and timing, while the outer experience of this is making the decisions happen. In the case of my house using the energy and vigour of summer to clean, repair and present our home for sale!
Thread Three
As the outer world comes into autumn my inner autumn begins. I will turn 49 in April and I regard this as a time worth marking and celebrating. In Hebrew tradition they speak of the Jubilee Time – where one dons the mantle of all one’s life that has gone before (the 7 x 7 years) and sounding the trumpets triumphantly stepping into the life that is to unfold. Barbara Sher talks of the first half of our lives belonging to society and our biology – working, raising families etc. The second half of our lives is ours to craft if we would have it be so. And for me ‘it is time’ for this to be so.
Living
Working
Hanging in
Holding on
Leaving
Reaping
Blessings
Blessings of marriage
Weathered this time
Life persevered
My turn
My time
Time in spirituality
Feminine divine time
Right time
Enough time
Time it is
Blessed be
Arohanui
Kerry-Ann
Highly recommended reading:
Batten, Juliet, Celebrating the Southern Seasons – Rituals of Aotearoa, Random House Publ. Revised edition 2005
Harris, Maria, JUBILEE TIME – Celebrating Women, Spirit, and the Advent of Age, Bantam Books 1995.
Sher, Barbara, it’s only too late If You Don’t Start Now – How to Create Your Second Life at Any Age, Dell Publishing 1998
Monday, July 11, 2005
On Change
Recently I worked with a group who had been experiencing a huge amount of change in their work environment. Changes in physical location, equipment, team membership to name the key ones. Yet when I had the group do a tick box checklist of all the changes they had personally experienced in the last year both in and out of work one man ticked only one box. On being asked how he managed only one tick in spite of so much change identified by everyone else he replied, “I only marked the change I didn’t like. If I like it I don’t regard it as a change”.
This is an interesting notion around change when for many of us our instant response is to regard change as a negative experience or as guaranteed to be stressful. I could say that change is just change and the only constant is that all change creates ripple effects.
It is the assessments that we make about the changes that make the difference. At work an announced or even impending change can generate a range of responses from “about time – can’t wait” through to “how dare they?”
In the work environment this variation of assessment around change can cause further breakdown of relationships. People can be labeled as “over emotional”, “uncaring “, “resistant” and so on. This doesn’t allow for the validity in the first instance of everyone’s response to the changes. Each of us does have an emotional response to change. What varies is what this response is and how we manage it. My suggestion is that each response needs to be heard and then managed if the changes proposed are to be integrated well into the work environment.
From this same tick box checklist we look at a number of considerations around change based on the number of ticks and the domains that these ticks have occurred in. A larger numbers of ticks and therefore changes, say over ten, may explain why we are so tired and therefore a need to consider self care strategies.
Here too we consider whether as individuals we like and go seeking change or whether by preference we like constancy in our living. What I might find boring living might be another person’s idea of too much change and stress.
If most of our change is at work we may find that home provides with us balance or vice versa. If lots of change is happening in all domains we may have the sense of going from the fire to the frying pan on a daily basis.
Another key factor to our experience with change is whether we have chosen the change or the change has chosen us and we feel the change has been imposed on us.
While the outcome of the change may eventually be the same we often start from a different emotional place depending on our assessment of chosen or imposed.
This simple starter exercise very quickly allows a group to see how one particular change can have significantly different impact for different members of the group and how differently they may perceive the same change.
Our previous experience of change and how we think and speak about change can influence any future experience of change. Those in the group I mentioned earlier who had changed countries and jobs let alone the changes in their current workplace were generally more philosophical and accepting of the changes. They spoke of knowing from prior experience that things sorted themselves out, that there were things that they could do to help themselves through the changes. Other often younger people, where life is just constant change, spoke of wondering what the fuss was all about. Still others spoke of being distressed and disturbed by changes they hadn’t wanted and couldn’t see the point of.
My key offer is the concept that we shape our experience with our assessment of change. This assessment comes out of our previous experience with change and the anticipated impact of any further change.
It is important to know ourselves, to be a good observer of ourselves and change. This involves monitoring how much change we may have occurring, how in line with our preference for change this is, the nature of these changes, chosen or imposed and where the changes are occurring for us. There is not a right or wrong response to change. However knowing yourself you can maximise the opportunities of the change and minimise the stress that change can bring.
Knowing yourself well how might you handle change in your life to thrive rather than just survive?
This is an interesting notion around change when for many of us our instant response is to regard change as a negative experience or as guaranteed to be stressful. I could say that change is just change and the only constant is that all change creates ripple effects.
It is the assessments that we make about the changes that make the difference. At work an announced or even impending change can generate a range of responses from “about time – can’t wait” through to “how dare they?”
In the work environment this variation of assessment around change can cause further breakdown of relationships. People can be labeled as “over emotional”, “uncaring “, “resistant” and so on. This doesn’t allow for the validity in the first instance of everyone’s response to the changes. Each of us does have an emotional response to change. What varies is what this response is and how we manage it. My suggestion is that each response needs to be heard and then managed if the changes proposed are to be integrated well into the work environment.
From this same tick box checklist we look at a number of considerations around change based on the number of ticks and the domains that these ticks have occurred in. A larger numbers of ticks and therefore changes, say over ten, may explain why we are so tired and therefore a need to consider self care strategies.
Here too we consider whether as individuals we like and go seeking change or whether by preference we like constancy in our living. What I might find boring living might be another person’s idea of too much change and stress.
If most of our change is at work we may find that home provides with us balance or vice versa. If lots of change is happening in all domains we may have the sense of going from the fire to the frying pan on a daily basis.
Another key factor to our experience with change is whether we have chosen the change or the change has chosen us and we feel the change has been imposed on us.
While the outcome of the change may eventually be the same we often start from a different emotional place depending on our assessment of chosen or imposed.
This simple starter exercise very quickly allows a group to see how one particular change can have significantly different impact for different members of the group and how differently they may perceive the same change.
Our previous experience of change and how we think and speak about change can influence any future experience of change. Those in the group I mentioned earlier who had changed countries and jobs let alone the changes in their current workplace were generally more philosophical and accepting of the changes. They spoke of knowing from prior experience that things sorted themselves out, that there were things that they could do to help themselves through the changes. Other often younger people, where life is just constant change, spoke of wondering what the fuss was all about. Still others spoke of being distressed and disturbed by changes they hadn’t wanted and couldn’t see the point of.
My key offer is the concept that we shape our experience with our assessment of change. This assessment comes out of our previous experience with change and the anticipated impact of any further change.
It is important to know ourselves, to be a good observer of ourselves and change. This involves monitoring how much change we may have occurring, how in line with our preference for change this is, the nature of these changes, chosen or imposed and where the changes are occurring for us. There is not a right or wrong response to change. However knowing yourself you can maximise the opportunities of the change and minimise the stress that change can bring.
Knowing yourself well how might you handle change in your life to thrive rather than just survive?
Transitions & Healthy Change
In my work I am endeavouring to have people thrive rather than just survive their work and their lives. We talk a lot these days about constant change and somewhat less about how we might view change and live change in healthy ways that encourage good living.
The model that I use to have people make sense of what is happening for them is based on William Bridges work around change and transition. He and other consultants like John Kotter state that change requires not only the physical external change of say a workplace or way a team works but also an internal, or emotional, transition that allows us to integrate the changes into how we live and work.
A more simple example might be when we shift house it is rare to feel at ‘home’ until sometime after the move in date. A whole range of things have to happen for each of us to feel at home and this will vary from person to person. This ’range of things’ is the transition if you like. If we fail to make the transition we may never feel at home.
Certainly my experience over the years, both personally and professionally would support this.
After looking at change more generally I will have people talk with me about “what is going on” for them right now at work. Usually I have been called in because change is happening or just been announced. I am interested to hear people’s emotional response, their practical concerns and questions, anything they might be looking forward to from the changes. In fact anything at all they are thinking about the whole situation. Out of this conversation I map their responses under three key headings based on the transition model of Bridges.
In Bridges transition model all change begins with an (1) ending, progresses through the (2) neutral zone and ideally achieves resolution with a (3) beginning or the assessment of opportunity in the change.
In the first instance we all take change deeply personally – what is going to happen for me? Then we start to look at the ripple effects of the changes for others around us. These may be our work mates, customers, anyone we assess will be impacted by the change. My initial goal is to validate everyone’s current experience of the change - we cannot be in any other emotional experience than the one we currently find ourselves in. Understanding where we are we can then reflect on whether this response is going to support thriving or struggling.
So we talk about what is ending for people when a change is chosen or imposed in the domain of work. Some examples of things that come up as ending are, knowing what to do, particular relationships or friendships, job security, current childcare arrangements etc. We talk about ‘letting go’ of ways of thinking and acting that will no longer be possible.
The neutral zone is hardly neutral. Anyone who has had to double clutch through neutral in an old vehicle will know that in neutral you have the least control of that vehicle. This can be the sense of the neutral zone. Change throws us into a time full of questions, concerns, fears (real and imagined). Change can also throw us into a time of inquiry and excitement and teasing out the possibilities that may come out of this change. Either way it is often an energetic phase unless we find ourselves caught in depression or resignation. Being as involved as we can is a key strategy here, being and feeling part of the change even if we didn’t choose it. It is useful in this phase to get clear about the questions and concerns we have and get answers to them. Even if we do not like the answers we can still plan our future based on knowing rather than not knowing. And of course when so much may be up for grabs the neutral zone can be the perfect time to do something quite different, or something that just quietly you have been thinking about for a while. For example one review I was part of, the choices that people explored out of the neutral zone included: early retirement and being a ‘grandma’, shifting departments for a gear up in career, doing further training to be able to work at a different level from the current job. The most painful experience was for people who were just waiting for the change either not to happen or to just be told what to do – and wondering what this would look like.
In neutral we are not where we were in time and knowing and we are not where we will end up. We can’t be – this takes a certain period of time. So we need to take care of our basic human needs. Never underestimate the role of good food, good sleep, good exercise, good friends and family connections and of course being willing to ask for help.
Ideally during this transition conversation we can begin to speak of the possibilities of the beginning – or the opportunities that may arise from the change. However sometimes we cannot in that instant see any possibility for ourselves out of the change. This area of beginnings is often easier to speak to in hindsight, when we have lived into and realised the opportunities we could only guess at when they arose. So for example when my job was disestablished a few years ago it felt terrible. Lots of things ended including feeling wanted in the work place. What was I to do next? How would I support my family etc? I took some time to really think through my options – stay in the field, retrain, what to do? Several years down the track I know that this was a fabulous opportunity for me. I am doing work that is much more suitable and enjoyable.
I have written this article based on conversations in the work place. All of the conversation of transitions and healthy change is equally applicable to the rest of our lives. One young man in another work session commented at the end when we had filled the whiteboard with all the endings, neutral and beginning aspects of his work place, “S…, Kerry-Ann, you’ve just put my whole life up on the board!” He could see where his flat, friendships etc were in different stages of the transition model.
Being able to identify each stage of a change lessens our sense of not coping, of being overwhelmed or powerless to affect our experience of change. It means we can plan our completions or good byes, ask questions or clarify our concerns and our possibilities of the neutral zone and begin to live into our assessed opportunities of the new beginnings.
In short, an ongoing powerful tool for a world where the only constant is change.
The model that I use to have people make sense of what is happening for them is based on William Bridges work around change and transition. He and other consultants like John Kotter state that change requires not only the physical external change of say a workplace or way a team works but also an internal, or emotional, transition that allows us to integrate the changes into how we live and work.
A more simple example might be when we shift house it is rare to feel at ‘home’ until sometime after the move in date. A whole range of things have to happen for each of us to feel at home and this will vary from person to person. This ’range of things’ is the transition if you like. If we fail to make the transition we may never feel at home.
Certainly my experience over the years, both personally and professionally would support this.
After looking at change more generally I will have people talk with me about “what is going on” for them right now at work. Usually I have been called in because change is happening or just been announced. I am interested to hear people’s emotional response, their practical concerns and questions, anything they might be looking forward to from the changes. In fact anything at all they are thinking about the whole situation. Out of this conversation I map their responses under three key headings based on the transition model of Bridges.
In Bridges transition model all change begins with an (1) ending, progresses through the (2) neutral zone and ideally achieves resolution with a (3) beginning or the assessment of opportunity in the change.
In the first instance we all take change deeply personally – what is going to happen for me? Then we start to look at the ripple effects of the changes for others around us. These may be our work mates, customers, anyone we assess will be impacted by the change. My initial goal is to validate everyone’s current experience of the change - we cannot be in any other emotional experience than the one we currently find ourselves in. Understanding where we are we can then reflect on whether this response is going to support thriving or struggling.
So we talk about what is ending for people when a change is chosen or imposed in the domain of work. Some examples of things that come up as ending are, knowing what to do, particular relationships or friendships, job security, current childcare arrangements etc. We talk about ‘letting go’ of ways of thinking and acting that will no longer be possible.
The neutral zone is hardly neutral. Anyone who has had to double clutch through neutral in an old vehicle will know that in neutral you have the least control of that vehicle. This can be the sense of the neutral zone. Change throws us into a time full of questions, concerns, fears (real and imagined). Change can also throw us into a time of inquiry and excitement and teasing out the possibilities that may come out of this change. Either way it is often an energetic phase unless we find ourselves caught in depression or resignation. Being as involved as we can is a key strategy here, being and feeling part of the change even if we didn’t choose it. It is useful in this phase to get clear about the questions and concerns we have and get answers to them. Even if we do not like the answers we can still plan our future based on knowing rather than not knowing. And of course when so much may be up for grabs the neutral zone can be the perfect time to do something quite different, or something that just quietly you have been thinking about for a while. For example one review I was part of, the choices that people explored out of the neutral zone included: early retirement and being a ‘grandma’, shifting departments for a gear up in career, doing further training to be able to work at a different level from the current job. The most painful experience was for people who were just waiting for the change either not to happen or to just be told what to do – and wondering what this would look like.
In neutral we are not where we were in time and knowing and we are not where we will end up. We can’t be – this takes a certain period of time. So we need to take care of our basic human needs. Never underestimate the role of good food, good sleep, good exercise, good friends and family connections and of course being willing to ask for help.
Ideally during this transition conversation we can begin to speak of the possibilities of the beginning – or the opportunities that may arise from the change. However sometimes we cannot in that instant see any possibility for ourselves out of the change. This area of beginnings is often easier to speak to in hindsight, when we have lived into and realised the opportunities we could only guess at when they arose. So for example when my job was disestablished a few years ago it felt terrible. Lots of things ended including feeling wanted in the work place. What was I to do next? How would I support my family etc? I took some time to really think through my options – stay in the field, retrain, what to do? Several years down the track I know that this was a fabulous opportunity for me. I am doing work that is much more suitable and enjoyable.
I have written this article based on conversations in the work place. All of the conversation of transitions and healthy change is equally applicable to the rest of our lives. One young man in another work session commented at the end when we had filled the whiteboard with all the endings, neutral and beginning aspects of his work place, “S…, Kerry-Ann, you’ve just put my whole life up on the board!” He could see where his flat, friendships etc were in different stages of the transition model.
Being able to identify each stage of a change lessens our sense of not coping, of being overwhelmed or powerless to affect our experience of change. It means we can plan our completions or good byes, ask questions or clarify our concerns and our possibilities of the neutral zone and begin to live into our assessed opportunities of the new beginnings.
In short, an ongoing powerful tool for a world where the only constant is change.
Reflections on dance, poetry and the sacred
I recently read an article entitled “Show me in movement what you find sacred”. At least I read the heading several times and ended up in tears every reading. Around the same time I was indulging my love of dance by attending a variety of performances as part of the Tempo Auckland Dance Festival. I went on my own to “Angels with Dirty Feet” – a dance theatre production choreographed by Raewyn Hill. Raewyn is a Wellington based choreographer. Her company Soapbox Productions had produced this work based on Raewyn’s drive to say something about drug addiction. And say something she did to me. Tears again during the performance and then I sobbed my way home in the car. Not the safest way to get home! The next night I went again determined to watch with ‘detachment’, to see if I could work out what moved me so much and why yet more tears around dance and life and living.
I have no personal connection with drug addiction so why the deep response? As a dancer was pulled and flung between four others holding long stretches of fabric I could identify patterns of addictive behaviour in myself in the being pushed and pulled by the people and society around me. I could barely sit in my seat as I watched. As a woman in middle age wanting/needing to take a break I could feel the addiction to ‘keeping going’, ‘keeping working’, surfacing as the story unfolded. I have hungered to be cared for in the achingly beautiful way the dancers gathered each other up, school chairs and all.
I observed how addictions or addictive type behaviours can creep up on us – yet how powerfully the sacred pulls us too. What was sacred in the dance was demanding attention from the sacred within me.
I dance because I have to. I dance because I am danced through. I dance as a restorative when I have been stuck too long in my intellect. I dance whatever shows up in response to the music. And when I can’t dance for real I dance in my soul. I experience life and my living as a dance of being and becoming.
For me my spirituality needs to be embodied in action, in movement that expresses the sacred for me. In a way of living that is alive and in action aligned with the woman I experience myself to be. So to dance whether literally or within unsticks me when I feel grabbed by patterns of addictive behaviour or stuckness.
The final image for me from the dance is the dancers all coming toward the front of the stage. Each looks like an ungainly, stunted bird moving in this exquisite roll of movement; so ugly and so unutterably beautiful – the essence of sacredness as a human being.
In a recent song of the Finn Brothers “Gentle Hum”, the opening lines are, “this bird has to sing, my heart has to follow …” And so it was for me. Watching those birds come toward me, moving their song, my heart opened and followed.
As for all the crying – well I seem to have phases of needing to, as a softening influence, as a call to attention to my spiritual being. I feel reassured by these words from Rumi – “This rain weeping and sun-burning twine together to make us grow. Keep your intelligence white-hot and your grief glistening, so your life will stay fresh. Cry easily like a little child.”
My life feels fresher for the last few weeks of crying and singing and crying some more and dancing and of being in action in my way. So I show by the movement of my life that which I find sacred. “When I dance each step as it is, I join the symphony of life.” (Unknown)
Arohanui Kerry-Ann
I have no personal connection with drug addiction so why the deep response? As a dancer was pulled and flung between four others holding long stretches of fabric I could identify patterns of addictive behaviour in myself in the being pushed and pulled by the people and society around me. I could barely sit in my seat as I watched. As a woman in middle age wanting/needing to take a break I could feel the addiction to ‘keeping going’, ‘keeping working’, surfacing as the story unfolded. I have hungered to be cared for in the achingly beautiful way the dancers gathered each other up, school chairs and all.
I observed how addictions or addictive type behaviours can creep up on us – yet how powerfully the sacred pulls us too. What was sacred in the dance was demanding attention from the sacred within me.
I dance because I have to. I dance because I am danced through. I dance as a restorative when I have been stuck too long in my intellect. I dance whatever shows up in response to the music. And when I can’t dance for real I dance in my soul. I experience life and my living as a dance of being and becoming.
For me my spirituality needs to be embodied in action, in movement that expresses the sacred for me. In a way of living that is alive and in action aligned with the woman I experience myself to be. So to dance whether literally or within unsticks me when I feel grabbed by patterns of addictive behaviour or stuckness.
The final image for me from the dance is the dancers all coming toward the front of the stage. Each looks like an ungainly, stunted bird moving in this exquisite roll of movement; so ugly and so unutterably beautiful – the essence of sacredness as a human being.
In a recent song of the Finn Brothers “Gentle Hum”, the opening lines are, “this bird has to sing, my heart has to follow …” And so it was for me. Watching those birds come toward me, moving their song, my heart opened and followed.
As for all the crying – well I seem to have phases of needing to, as a softening influence, as a call to attention to my spiritual being. I feel reassured by these words from Rumi – “This rain weeping and sun-burning twine together to make us grow. Keep your intelligence white-hot and your grief glistening, so your life will stay fresh. Cry easily like a little child.”
My life feels fresher for the last few weeks of crying and singing and crying some more and dancing and of being in action in my way. So I show by the movement of my life that which I find sacred. “When I dance each step as it is, I join the symphony of life.” (Unknown)
Arohanui Kerry-Ann
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